None of this is your fault honestly, it’s mine. I really really enjoy your company, I’ve never engaged with a mind like yours at the level we do and the depths we do about life and politics. Actually the most enjoyable thing I find is just talking to you about the nature of our own minds and interactions. It’s all such an open book…. Truly seeing how human and fallible… but also beautiful and unique we both are.
I think what makes it extra special is the absurdly rare context it’s all in, beyond just the fact that we’re political “rivals” …. People who are perfectly in agreement in political life rarely show one another how human they really are. It’s all so much posturing and fear of judgment.
I don’t get that with you at all, and that’s been a once in a lifetime experience…. and I hope you know while I have critiques of the way you live your life at times it doesn’t come from a place of judgment. In fact, it comes from a place of me wanting you to do better, be happier and live in a more meaningful way. You’re made for so much more than what you’re doing now.
We have different moral codes for how we engage with the world, you’ve done nothing to violate yours. I’ve done everything to violate mine.
I know through and through that polyamorous relationships result in pain for one party. I know that you’re married and your wife was uncomfortable with our interactions. I knew that so damn well I tried to stop this all at the start, but let myself be incredibly selfish and hold on to this.
I know you say you and Melina would have separated anyways, but there is simply no way I did not have some complicity in this. Any feelings you grow towards one person take away from the feelings you have towards another, the time and the effort you put into fixing your relationship with another human.
It sounds like you truly believe you’re capable to balance polyamorous relationships, so I don’t think you violated any of your values. I truly believed that you could not, and persisted anyways and now you’re getting a divorce.
I am really really fucking ashamed of myself. Please don’t try to change my mind on this or make me feel better, it’s not about whether you perceive my behavior wrong or not - it’s about knowing I’ve violated my own internal understanding of morality and decent behavior towards others in the world.
When I prayed about you, God told me you are absolutely someone meant to be in my life. Absolutely someone who is supposed to help me, and I help you on this insane journey of life, understanding meaning and place in this world… how to do good and use our platforms for greater things.
He also absolutely told me the way we are going about things was wrong though, and I ignored that.
I can now see how much pain Melina is in. I can see how much chaos and pain you’re in. How much confusion I have right now - and all of this could have been avoided by just listening to what I knew was right.
You weren’t getting those messages, your internal system wasn’t telling you these things - mine was and I ignored it.
The selfish part of me wants to continue on romantically with you, the part of me that knows what’s right and just certainly towards John is that we need to stop having romantic interactions even just through text. If we don’t any more chaos or pain caused going forward will be entirely my fault for once again ignoring what I know to be the decent thing to do.
Of course I love you and care for you deeply. More than you know, but I - we need to learn to do that as friends.
I don’t know what the future holds for us, and even if things do change in the future, at this time we still need to do what’s right and operate in a way that does right by those around us.
I know you talk about your marriage having serious problems and wanting to end it anyway, but can you really truly say you tried? Not just put your logical mind into it, but your heart as well? Truly wanted to love Melina for all her flaws, truly work with her to improve her understanding of you and the world? Truly worked with her to make you feel loved and make her feel loved unconditionally?
The way you describe it, it sounds like you were getting tired of the relationship and got counseling in order for Melina to be emotionally stable when you ended things. It doesn’t sound like you did counseling with the intention of truly wanting to fix things. It doesn’t sound like your heart was in it…. And that’s no way to approach relationship crises.
Perhaps I’m wrong and you truly have put 110% into loving Melina and wanting to repair the bond you have. If that’s the case, then I understand and I fully support you moving on.
If that’s not the case though - you should call her, tell her you love her and let her know you weren’t putting your full effort in because you had emotionally resigned from things. Emotionally resigned because you felt there was no hope. Let her know you don’t feel loved the way you should be, and that you really really want her to love you in that way. Guide her through the steps she needs to take to love you the way you need and her you.
What we had thrived so beautifully not because of our similar hobbies, interests, political background etc. things between us could have been a horrible awful experience despite all of that. The reason it thrived was because of total honesty, transparency, putting our hearts on our sleeves and never telling each other comfortable lies…. We spent 24/7 just asking each other “what are you thinking” and refusing to let it go until the other person shared thoughts that 99.9% of the time would have been left unsaid.
Relationships fail when lies begin and things are left unsaid.
While I’ve violated a thousand of my own values and principles and take the brunt of the blame for all of this, I know you’ve violated at least a few of your own promises as well…. Like allowing your polyamory to become romantic and beyond what you and Melina had agreed on.
While she may fail in some regards with supporting your work and communication, has she violated boundaries that dire? Was it really wrong of her to be reaching out and stressing about where you were and what you were doing when you were in fact violating boundaries you both had set?
I feel like things were kind of put on her for contacting you so much when we were together, like it was her fault for not giving you your freedom…. And I know that’s something you agreed on - but perhaps her reactions were because she knew somewhere deep down that it wasn’t just a regular polyamorous get together but that she was losing you…. And her violating your boundaries was in response to her own boundaries being violated.
I’m far from an expert on relationships.
I feel like we are in the wrong here though. The more I think about it, the more my heart sinks and I realize I knew this from the very start.
Once again, you say you saw problems in Melina from the start and it had to end from the start…. But I think you simply saw those problems as more dire now because of the contrast between our time together and your time with her.
Lets say you never met Melina and we dated, then met our own inevitable string of problems and crises to conquer in our relationship, such as monogamy or work and family balance etc.… and then you met Melina and she was this free butterfly who agreed with you on polyamory who was the person you first met that gave you space to work etc.
I believe our problems would also be highlighted by the contrast, and you may leave me for her.
This is the crisis with the way we are engaging in relationships, not giving our whole hearts. Giving large pieces of our hearts to each other instead of Melina and John. It’s not fair, it’s not right and the way we are engaging with relationships is not only setting up our current relationships for failure, but any future one we would potentially have anyways.
Like I said at the start of this…. Relationships end how they start. We’d just be beginning another cycle of broken hearts.
This is not a judgment on you at all. I think you live your life truly aspiring to be good, be kind to others and do right. You simply see another way of getting there.
This is a judgment on me, because I also aspire to be good, be kind and do right by others - but I knowingly failed to do all those things.
I care about you deeply. I want you in my life as a friend, a mentor, someone who can go through all these ideas and experiences with me…. We sharpen each other and challenge each other and that's an invaluable relationship.
I hope you can do that in a non-romantic way with me. I understand if you can’t though.